


Letters To Life

by Alyce_Wolf_Lovely



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Multi, Other, Real Accounts, Real Life, Real people, real emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 17:05:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18183365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyce_Wolf_Lovely/pseuds/Alyce_Wolf_Lovely
Summary: This is a series of letters I wanted to write as a way of your guys to know me and my experiences. All of them account real emotions and real events. They talk about real people. Please understand that this is something that is important to me and that most of the people in these letters either know of them or do not.





	1. Chapter 1

The following letters were written in June of 2016. Be aware that I am doing this as a challenge to myself and to see how many of you are still hanging with me. I am posting the old ones to access how much I have changed. Some of the new letters will seem to have a different subject while others will seem like an expanded for of the ones you see below. Each of the new ones is longer and therefore are getting a chapter to themselves so you will end up seeing more than just two.

 

IF YOU DID NOT READ THE SUMMARY: This is a series of letters I wanted to write as a way of you guys to know me and my experiences. All of them account real emotions and real events. They talk about real people. Please understand that this is something that is important to me and that most of the people in these letters either know of them or do not. 

  

 

* * *

Dear Ex,

        Even though you hurt me, I can't seem to bring myself to love anyone else. I guess I still want to love you, even if I have to do it with all the broken pieces of my heart.

 

* * *

Dear Self,

        Why can't you learn to love yourself? Every time someone tells you that you are beautiful, or smart, or funny; you turn around and tell yourself the opposite.

 

* * *

Dear Dad,

        I want our relationship to be how it was when I was young when we always had adventures across the state together. All those fun moments; those daddy-daughter days.

 

* * *

Dear Mom,

        I can't seem to find the mailbox to Heaven, and I know you're not in Hell. Maybe when I die one of these days, I'll bring the box with all my letters to you with me, so you can read them with me.

 

* * *

Dear Crush,

        You once broke my heart. And even though I was only mad for a week, I wanted you back soon after. Now, I can't stop thinking about you.

 

* * *

Dear School,

        You've made me a topic of conversation and of amazement these last few weeks. For once, I actually have a reason to get up and get dressed, too leave the house.

 

* * *

Dear Siblings,

        Why is it you always want what I have? Or you borrow my things and break them then blame it on your friends? Why do you walk into my room without permission and touch my things like they belong to you?

 

* * *

Dear Past Me,

        I never remembered what you went through, but dad has started to tell me what happened and I feel bad. I didn't think you had gone through such horrible things and I want to thank you for being strong enough to handle them because I wouldn't be here without you.

 

* * *

Dear First Love,

        Sure, I was another notch on your belt, a young girl that had never had a boyfriend before. Just some girl who sat across from you in a 6th-grade band, who you would pick on and who would fire back, and just some girl who was the best of them; the teacher's favorite. Sure, you might have taken advantage of me, you might have made me a "Rock-Star's Bad Girl" but hey... You taught me what boys to stay away from.

 

* * *

Dear Future Me,

        I hope you are living your dream and that many people read your books because as much I tried to never give up on that dream, it was hard with the people around me. I'm sorry your arms are marked and your clothes were, for a while, all black. I'm sorry that you may or may not have any friends, because I know that right now, I'm feeling like a loner.

 

* * *

Dear Best Friend,

        I couldn't have done a lot of the things I have done if it weren't for you being there for me. I might be dead or have more scars across my wrists. I might have dropped out of school, ignored my family, become a total introvert hiding in my closet because I am afraid of the world and what people might think of me. You give me the strength to at least try and face that fear and even when I come crying to you over something someone said, you help me stay strong and you wipe away my tears. Thank You.

 

* * *

Dear Future Child,

        I always said that I was never going to have children, but now that I have you, now that I see your smile and hear your cute little laugh, now that you are here in my arms ... I couldn't be happier. You are one of the things that make me smile every day and I can't wait to see what dreams you achieve one day.

 

* * *

Dear Person I Hate,

        You are one of many, but you are by far the most annoying. Clingy and hyper all the time. Your high-pitched voice and how fast you always talk gives me headaches every time. Couldn't you just stop talking to me?

 

* * *

Dear Person I Love,

        You hurt me so much and yet I can't keep my heart from beating for you. Even if it is in pieces it wants to be fixed by your touch.

 

* * *

Dear Ex-Best Friend,

        I have the confidence to say that I truly believe that we only drifted apart. A wave of newness in life and how much we have going on just doesn't a lot us the time to talk any more. We're becoming new people and possibly in the future, we can find each other and be friends again.

 

* * *

Dear People Who Hate Me,

        You are not the only ones. I hate myself just as much as you hate me. The unfortunate thing you don't understand that it isn't true. I hate everything about me and chances are you only hate a few things about me.

 

 


	2. Dear Ex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Ex,
> 
>         When we first met, Even though you hurt, I can't seem to bring myself to I've anyone else. I guess I still want to love you, even if I have to do it with all the broken pieces of my heart.

Dear Ex,

        When I met you we were only 14. We became friends despite my step-sister wanted us to stop talking because she had a major crush on you. I was dating someone else though, at the time. We mainly talked through roleplays, never really have a true conversation. The dude I had been dating became a jerk, and you were there for me when I broke up with him. You were there every time I missed my mom. Eventually, I started having feelings for you, but again, I hardly knew anything about you. I fell in love with you through a roleplay. I didn't tell you for a little while, still recovering from the jerk that came before you. And I know that you were technically not my most recent ex, but you were the greatest. Plus, my most recent ex will be talked about later. When I told you, you said you felt the same and you asked me.

        We dated for six months, and I couldn't have been happier. But you ended it, just to get back with that bitch that you were dating before me. I kept you close though. Always talking to you and trying to keep you close. I was obsessed. For three whole years I tried to get you back, and finally, you hurt me enough to make me want to leave. I didn't talk to you for almost 3 months, when I finally did, you apologized. You showed told me your side of this story. It made me realize you had some shit you were dealing with, and to be honest, I could see the good in your actions, but you did them for the wrong reason. Today, almost 5 years after we met and 2 years after we reunited as friends, you are the closest thing I have to a brother, and you are one of the greatest guys I have met.

,Sincerely

Your  Ex,  Your Best Friend, Your Sister


	3. Dear Self

Dear Self,

  
        You are beautiful, confident, amazing, and more importantly talented and smart. Your friends love you even when you don't love yourself. You have someone special in your life who loves you more than anything else in the world. You have no reason to be so hard on yourself. No reason for you to constantly beat yourself up, or pull yourself down into the recesses of darkness that lie dormant in your mind. It is not necessary to who you are.

        You have scars, more mental than physical, that are the strikes of chisels shaping who you are today. Every broken heart you have had or that you have made, the advice you have given, the good and bad things you have done; they are all apart of you. Every time you got the courage to try something, whether it went sour or not, you earned another piece of who you are today. You once challenged your friends to make a list of 100 positive things about you. They came up with 55, but so many of them wanted to put the same thing that others had put before them. That made it to over half of what you asked, and it would have been way over 100 if you would've let them repeat what was already there. Remember the list?  
  
Strong. Beautiful. Kind. Welcoming. Big-hearted. Smart. Spontaneous. Caring. Creative. Poetic. Free-flowing. Positive. Observant. Logical. Stealthy. Intuitive. Passive. Pretty. Optimistic. Lucky. A Fighter. Fun. Wacky. Easy to get along with. Docile. Funny. Loving. Talented. Perfect. A good friend. Friendly. Generous. Playful. Understanding. Helpful. Hard working. Emotionally stable. Powerful. Nerdy. Loved. Cute. Unique. Lively. Transcendent. Fiery. Spiritual. Insane (good way). Adorable. Adorkable. Awesome. Melancholy. Random. Honest. Thoughtful. Trustful.  
  
        Those are all things your friends said about you. Everything you say to other people, everything you see in other people, your friends see in you. They weren't lying. Not a single one of them ever wrote something they didn't mean. You are who you are because of the scars that you have earned in the battles you fought, even if those battles were Civil Wars you raged against yourself. Those scars won't ever go away, and some of them are still scabs you pick at in the night, but they are apart of you. They won't ever go away. So next time you think that nobody cares, that you aren't strong, beautiful, kind, happy, courageous, just remember that your friends believe in you and wrote a list that they all agreed describes you.

  
  
,Sincerely

You


	4. Dear Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Dad,
> 
> I want our relationship to be how it was when I was young when we always had adventures across the state together. All those fun moments; those daddy-daughter days.

Dear Dad,

         You were always there for me when I was younger; saving my sister and me from mom. She was misunderstood, and not in control of her actions, but she was violent. If she was throwing stuff at you, my sister and I would hide in our closet. After mom and you left each other and you had to raise us by yourself, you were so busy working to support us that you never really got a chance to hang out with us anymore. You made it work though, even if you weren't good at what we liked to do. You would always attempt to play video games with us, and some you were good at, others not so much. You'd take us out to each, watch movies at home or in theaters, and even would take our clothes shopping even if you didn't know what we would like. You were kind of a super-dad. 

         But then I met a friend, who happened to have a single mom, and I will be honest. It was really cool to see you happy and to have my friend become a new sister... And I got a stepmom too... But then you disappear into an office. You were always right there, but you weren't. If we bugged you, we got strictly told to leave you alone. If we asked you for anything, you'd be angry because money became tighter. You had to work more. We saw you less. My older sister moved away and home didn't feel so welcoming. The newest members of the family became less like my friends and even less like family. The household changed. It was said you were the big man of the house and made all the decisions, but my step-mom was the one who seemed to be running the show. You became an alien. It wasn't entirely a Cinderella story, but the way my stepfamily acted was similar. They were nice in the beginning, they were amazing to have. But over the years they just got more and more annoying to me. 

         The mom never listened to what I was actually saying even if she thought she knew me. I was depressed and she just blew it off as if it was just a sad day for me. And so did you. Did you know I was planning on killing myself? As I went through the journey of life, you two listened less and less. I yearned for someone who would and life just doesn't give that to you for free. Except for my older sister, who was always away. When we talked through it was for hours and hours, just listening to what we both needed to say. You guys complained because of our long talks. So did the daughter. She never likes how my biological mom was always sending me stuff. She was jealous of everything that I would get or how close my and my older sister were because she didn't have the same kind of relationship that I did. 

         And you know what... I think you have always been disappointed in me and my life decisions. I have never been good at school, I am not straight, or good with anything like cars or computers. I don't have a lot of good skills, but you don't mind that I got our family's writing bug. You support me and my dream of being a published writer, but I think you want me to do something better. Like my boyfriend who is almost ready to start a welding job, or my sister who is currently in school to do cybersecurity. When I got my first job and moved out so suddenly it was because of your wife and her daughter. I don't like counting them as a family because even though I wanted to pack all my stuff so I could go through it, they both packed it while I wasn't there. I truly believe that they wanted me out of there faster. Now I live with my older sister and were having fun because we can be up all night talking and not have to worry about much except the next days. I don't currently have a job, but I am working on getting one, and honestly, I could only be happier if would just give me my cat that your wife stole from me "unintentionally". Thank you for taking care of him when I couldn't, but he is MY cat. I will get him back.

  
And dad... I love you, but you abandoned me in the worst way possible, and that is not something easily forgiven.

 

 

, Sincerely

Your Youngest Biological Daughter


	5. Dear Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Mom,
> 
>         I can't seem to find the mailbox to Heaven, and I know you're not in Hell. Maybe when I die one of these days, I'll bring the box with all my letters to you with me, so you can read them with me.

Dear Mom,

        You were always trying to buy my love, but considering that I was so young when you kept trying and the fact that I was oblivious to it because of how much I already loved you, it isn't something I ever held against you. You and dad got divorced when I was maybe 7 or 8, so you weren't around much, but you still tried. And it wasn't your fault; he really loved you, but life gave you a war that you couldn't help but struggle to fight. You had, as dad has told me now that I am old, about 8 different mental diseases that were rigged so if one went off they all did. I remember all the medication you had to take.

        You were the fun parent though; you always took us on adventures. I think it is because of when we went through that I don't the outdoors as much as I used to. I think I am trying to protect myself from break downs. You see, I believe I might be similar to you at heart, I have always been attracted to the outdoors, but now I sit inside and watch from a window. I love the rain. I am still into reading but something happened shortly after you truly left that had me not finding the motivation to read. It got me into writing though. You and I always had so much fun. You got me into some of the things that I still like today, like my obsession with pink camo has turned into a small love and appreciation of how good pink winter camo looks. I have a few things I don't mind being in the winter camo. Like the winter jacket, you got me forever ago and I grew out of with regret. I really liked that jacket. I still have the baseball cap that is bright pink and camo that you got me, even though it doesn't fit my head at all. I've been giving away some of the things you gave me that I don't need anymore. If I a being honest it still hurts to give stuff away. You started me on my fuzzy blanket obsession, which I still uphold today. But I won't ever forget the first one. That red, white, and pink one that has all the lovey phrases and came with a red heart-shaped throw pillow. I get angry when anyone touches it. Dad dropped my sister and me off at the A&W where we met up with you and you handed it to me. I still have the little Valentine themed tin box that had the chocolates in them covered in a bunch of small confetti-like decorative pieces. The dog that came with it started me on a different collection as well. You got me into Magic the Gathering, and you got me into hiking. You got me into family history, Bath and Body Works, Japanese Cherry Blossoms, and jewelry. You were the more girly side between you and dad. You were also the adventurous type, even if you could dress up nicely from time to time. I got into photography and cameras which is why one of the things I want to get is a Polaroid camera. They are bringing them back! I want a typewriter, too, but one that works might be hard to find.

        You moved to Alaska when I was just 11. One your way you took pictures and when you could you would send them to me. You sent me letters because I didn't have a phone, and now I do and it is sad because I can't just call you up. You sent me the things I needed to reply to those letters and I remember how in almost everyone you expressed the worry that my dad wasn't giving them to me. I would keep you as up to date as possible with what was happening in my life and always assured you that I get everything you sent me. You and me both quickly figured out that it took 13 days for a letter to reach the other. That is only one full correspondence per month. It was crazy just how much counting down the days gets you so much more excited for what is to come.   
Eventually, I stopped responding as much, but that wasn't your fault either. I got busier with new friends or hobbies I had. I wrote one as much as I could, but I was a growing kid and life was grabbing my attention more and more. I was happy, and you were overjoyed that I was having fun.

  
But of course, as we know, life doesn't let people be happy for too long. 

  
        My older sister came over one day and dad and she called me out of my room. When I asked them what was going on dad informed me that it was your birthday. May 19th. Tara had you on the phone, I could hear your voice. I was 14, and just barely. She handed the phone to me and I almost cried with how excited I was. I could see your smile in my mind and I still can. I probably talked your ear off, but that it all that you wanted was to hear what I was up to, and I was more than happy to catch you up. But those mental diseases, they knew what to do with what I was telling you and it wasn't ever anything I could have imagined would be true. 

        36 days after your birthday, while I was enjoying my summer and coming home from a sleepover, I was informed that there was something that the family needed to talk to me about. I thought I was in trouble. It was my sister and dad, they were on the verge of tears and my sister handed me her favorite plushie. I knew that something was up and that it wasn't that I was in trouble. When they finally told me I couldn't believe it. You were gone. You used your medication. I held back the tears for a couple of days until it really hit me when I went to write a new letter to you. I probably wrote a couple, but I never sent them. I still have the boxes and I would love to gather all of the letters we sent to each other and read them when I get to see you again, but I believe that the last guy you were with getting rid of all your stuff. I also believe he had something to do with your death. 

        That summer was sad. I didn't fully get over your death until I was 18, and even today I still cry. I got depressed and it got worse. After your death, I wasn't doing good, but one of the relationships I was in sent me spiraling around even more. It wasn't until I was thinking of finally being with you again that something really good happened and it has changed my life for the better. This really cute boy with an amazing family and great morals asked me out and I decided to say yes because at that point I was only sticking around for people who needed my help. He cheered me up though and very slowly I have come back into the light, sometimes they shut off, but usually, I am pretty happy. I cry when I think about all the things that you have missed physically. Like not meeting the amazing man and me about to celebrate 2 years with. You never got to put the fear into him that if he ever hurt me he'd be in deep waters. Though a picture of you shooting a rifle convinced him of that without you being here. You never got my number, which I got when I was 16. You weren't there for me to get and lose my first job. You didn't hear me chatter endlessly about all the dogs I had worked with when I was volunteering at the boarding house. You never heard me talk about how college was, or see me walk for graduation. You haven't seen the hundreds of pictures of my baby boy, Buddy. He's so big and fluffy, I honestly can't think of losing him, but dad is currently taking care of him. (He's a cat). You don't get to meet my boyfriend's family or read the stories I write. You won't get a signed, first copy of my first book (when I get there). And probably the ones that make me cry the most is that you won't be the maid of honor at my wedding, and you won't get to hold your grandkids, and all I have are pictures to show them. 

        But mom... I got to be strong without you here, and know that I know you are watching me. I know you see all these things. I want you to be here though, physically. I want to be able to see you smile at all the good things and be there to guide me back onto the right path when I step off. You are healthy though, and that's the best I could ask for. If only I knew the mailbox to heaven, I'd send you so many things. Pictures, letters almost every day. 

  
I miss you so much. I love you even more. See you when I get to Heaven!

 

,I love you

Your Bug


End file.
